The Chronicles Of Motherhood

Upon our marriage, my husband and I spoke in great length about our future plans. Up until now, we have followed those plans, almost to a T. (With the exception of all these corporate moves we made, but hey…life is an adventure and everything has been an awesome experience) When our daughter was born it was agreed that our children would be three years apart, and a third child was debatable, given where we were in our lives at that part. But two kiddos, three years a part was our plan. After Ella was born and in the wake of my PPD, the thought of having another child scared me. I got a Mirena IUD at my six week check up and loved it! It was the perfect form of contraception for us.

This past summer, we starting talking more in depth about having another baby. Our daughter is getting older, shes very independent, goes to pre school and my husbands career is secure. We have our house, money is good, health care accepts midwives and birthing centers, so yeah, our ducks are all in a row! All is good! The only thing left to do was get my IUD out. For us pregnancy is/was a planned event. I do not do well with surprises and we are planners. I have never liked the idea of having an unplanned pregnancy.  So on October 13th 2011, I had my IUD removed. At the appointment, My midwife suggested I wait until I had two cycles before we started trying- after having an IUD for so long, I wouldn’t have much of a uterine lining; with a possible insufficient uterine lining it would increase our chances of miscarriage; so the longer we waited to get pregnant, the better. All though, I never got to the second cycle.

I was taking organic prenatals, organic fish oil and eating a well balanced mostly organic diet. I ended up getting pregnant right away. After four pregnancy tests saying “negative” despite having all the symptoms, I finally got a positive pregnancy test, and another..then another and another. It was November 15th, 2011. I took the tests and stared at them all for what seemed like hours. The line was faint, but it WAS there. I was pregnant! Due July 22, 2012. Just a week before our daughters third birthday. We were over the moon. We made phone calls, I text my friends with the picture of the pregnancy test and we started to plan our “pregnancy announcement video”. Excited doesn’t cover it. We were joyful and  the anticipation of planning for the next nine months was starting to sink in. This baby was wanted, planned and already loved so very much. While I had some fears, mixed feelings (now I call it mothers intuition) I just didn’t feel the same as when I was pregnant with my first child. “Your second pregnancy never feels like your first”. I kept telling myself. But something just felt off. Not right.

On Thanksgiving night I got very, very sick and could not keep food down. I had a fever, stomach cramps and was up all night throwing up and having bad cases of diarrhea. It was clear my body was clearing itself out. My husband had to go to work on “black friday” so as I laid on the couch with my two year old cuddled with me, watching the ipad… I felt a warm trickle down my leg. Then a drip and another. Did I just pee myself? I raced to the bathroom and was bleeding. It was bright red and it was heavy.

My heart sank. I fell to the floor. Tears were running down my face. My worst fear had come true. I have been around enough pregnant woman in my line of work to know what this was.

Two sonograms, two bags of IV fluids, three “exams”, four viles of blood and six hours later at the ER, it was confirmed.

I Miscarried. 

The news hit me with a ton of bricks. I was only six weeks along. I had hopes that maybe there was a mistake, maybe the sonograms were wrong. Maybe the ER doctor just wasn’t pregnancy savy… I prayed and prayed for a miracle. I didn’t want to believe it. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I had done everything right, ate well, took my pills, even added fish oil (which is known to lessen your chances of miscarriage) drank water, read the books. Sheesh,  I did everything by the books! This baby wasn’t a burden, an accident or an oops. Our baby was wanted. Why did this happen? Is it my karma for something I did, something I said? Was this Karma for being so vocal about others who did careless/selfish in pregnany by doing drugs, drinking or smoking when pregnant? (Something I could never fathom doing and admit to judging those who do/did) Am I not meant to be a mom of two? Was the timing not right? Is Gabriella going to be an only child forever? I had and still have many thoughts going through my head.

I recently read Michelle Duggar’s blog about the baby they lost, Jubilee, at 18 weeks. I can relate to the pain because at 6 weeks pregnant or at 20 weeks pregnant, a loss of a baby still hurts your heart. Her blog really spoke to me. She too, wonders if putting birth control in place was God’s warning to let HIM be in control. Was my miscarriage God’s way of telling me that he is in charge of my life, and to leave it all up to him? But then I tell myself that God doesn’t purposefully inflict punishment or pain on his children. Miscarriages hurt. Emotionally and psychically.

For me, the hardest part was knowing that I had a life inside me, a little soul who was sent to us from our creator. A little person who I had many dreams about. Dreams that started before I was even pregnant or knew I was pregnant. I dreamed of a little girl, a newborn with little bits of brown hair. She was perfect and so incredibly beautiful. I remember the dreams like a memory. I felt and feel like I already knew her.

But now, I have nothing. But an empty feeling in my heart. I cry and cry. Some days I don’t think about it. Other days, it is on my mind non stop. Some days, I get upset, sad and angry, watching pregnant woman in the mall or when I am picking up my daughter from school. They all seem to be very happy. Why didn’t they miscarry? Why did I? What about all the poor babies born addicted to Meth or Heroin? Why didn’t they miscarry? What about all the pregnancies that were not planned?  Why didn’t they miscarry?  What about all the irresponsible “16 & pregnant” girls we see glorified on MTV, why didn’t they miscarry? My baby only got the best for the little time I was growing her…and still didn’t make it. Life is full of unanswered questions, and at times, life can be so unfair. I simply don’t get it. And I don’t think I ever will.

What Is Next?

Well, I recently joined a gym and started working out 5 days a week again. (Working 0ut when my daughter isn’t sick, which has been frequent lately) I am doing yoga, trying Pilates and once I get pregnant again, I’ll do prenatal yoga 2 times a week. I am still taking my prenatals and eating very good. I am waiting to get my next cycle then taking the herb Soy Isoflavones to help boost ovulation with the hopes of getting pregnant in the next few weeks and having a healthy baby at the end of September. I pray. I pray everything works out well. I now realize how fragile pregnancy is. What a miracle life is.

I have been so distraught after my miscarriage that I called my psychic two weeks ago, looking for answers (who is always so good and spot on, BTW http://www.ushaji.org/ ) Last year, at a reading Usha told me that I was to have four children. I already have one, then a miscarriage and possible twins. Possible twins, as in, the baby souls have not decided if they wanted to come together or a part. Recently, she told me I may have some problems in future pregnancies but they would subside, and that she saw a healthy baby in my arms before the end of October. Just the thing I needed to hear. It gives me hope that I will conceive again and will hold my baby. For me, the only way I can attempt to heal from this miscarriage is to go on and have another baby. So here we start again, back to square one, watching my cycle, trying again, doing “the recipe” and taking it day by day. I have hope for the future and know that many people have miscarriages and then go on to have healthy babies. I keep telling myself that it will happen when it is intended to. Until then, I will just live. And snuggle my two year old a little closer each night, so very appreciative of the gift our children are.

I have hope. I have faith. I have God. And sometimes, that’s all you need.

A Letter to my second baby:

Dear Little One, While our time together may have been short I want you to know how loved you were. We prayed for you to go come into our lives and we are appreciative of the short time you were inside me. I know we will meet again and when we do, it will be right. I look forward to feeling you grow in my body, watching my body change  with your every milestone, decorating your nursery, preparing for your arrival, birthing you as my body intended, seeing your face and feeling your skin on mine. I know the day will come when I can put a face with the name. And what a beautiful name you will have. We, as your parents love you already and know the day will come when we meet again. Until then, we will wait; letting you and our creator decide for when the time is right. Please come back to me.               All my love, Mummy xoxo

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